It's a normal night. Out with my wife shopping at Whole Foods... and... I'm stoned off of my ass. I've become somewhat accustomed to being stoned in public. I try to relax and not get paranoid, just go with the flow of things. For the most part everything is just fine. Every once in a while I'll get a little self conscious . "Are my eyes flaming red and now everyone knows?" will go through my mind or "Am I being a little to comfortable around these people?". But for this night all is going well, until...
We had finished our shopping and just got in line at one of the registers. Something catches Jen's eye so she walks away which leaves me by myself in line. I look over to where Jen had gone and I see another woman walking my direction. Yes she was attractive but not in a supermodel kinda way. She had a very nice look about her and there was something else under the surface. Our eyes connect and I turn away. I immediately turn back and look at her because there is something very familiar about her. I don't remember clearly (remember, super stoned) but she was either still looking at me when I looked back or she did a double take as well. That's when it started.
I smiled hesitantly and she gives me a solid smile back. Paranoia kicks in, shit, did I smile the wrong way? Did I smile too long? Did I look at her directly too long? Time is fucked when I'm flying high so I'm not too sure if I pushed things too far. I'm just trying to be friendly, seriously. I try to be friendly to as many people as I can. This world is too full of people that are afraid of other people cause of the stupid things we see online. I feel we should all try to be nice to each other as much as possible. Anyway, she walks by and compliments me on my hair. I have long hair down past my shoulders. I'm close to 50 years old so my hair has got it's fair share of grey. I also use a red colored shampoo which makes the grey different shades of red and pink (some even see bits of purple). When I get compliments (mostly about my hair) I make it a point to really notice the other person and thank them for the compliment. I look directly at them and smile because 1. They are being very nice to me and 2. I want to acknowledge that going out on a limb and complimenting someone they don't know can required a little bit of bravery. Not everyone can be brave like that.
So I give her a sincere thank you and expect her to go on her merry way. But she doesn't. She stops and talks to me and I'm super confused. What's going on here? My brain is going into a panic. Is she hitting on me or do I really know her? Where is my wife? Help!
She is asking about my hair and my brain is spinning like crazy! What! Is this happening? I have to know her, females don't just stop and have conversations with me. I'm running an image index through my mind of the people I have met over the years and realize that's it's a futile attempt. There are just way to many people to go through and with my brain fuzzy the images are way too slippery.
She is good at making casual conversation. She's pulling bits of information from the surroundings and creating topics of conversation from them. We talk about my hair and the massive amounts of frozen hash browns and french fries in my cart. She is good. So good that I the feeling that I know her is reinforced because she is just so casual about things. My brain is crying now. I have no idea what the hell is going on. Are there cameras somewhere? Am I on one of those crazy hidden camera shows? Maybe I do know her and when I see her again I'll feel super stupid for not connecting the dots. She can't be hitting on me because this kind of thing doesn't happen to me. Plus we are in Whole Foods, who picks up on people at Whole Foods?
The conversation went horribly from my point of view. I was trying to be nice and answer her questions but my answers were very shallow because my brain had melted away. So now I start feeling bad. I mention that the various kinds of potatoes are for my kids. That was a poor attempt at trying to see if she knows me. If she does then she will say something about my kids like "Oh, how are they?" Maybe she knows one of them and will bring them up. NOPE. She keeps on going. But the other side of the kids statement was to see if she was hitting on me. If I have kids that might scare her away. Nope, it was like I was talk to the energizer bunny.
In my panic I'm at a loss for what to do. I have this innate response to be nice to her because I should be nice to everyone who is nice to me. But if she is hitting on me will she take my being nice as a positive response and continue her pursuit? But if I do know her and tell her to go away that would be so rude. I think it was at that point that I noticed that I was having one of those out of body experiences. I could see me having this conversation with this woman and at the same time I'm furiously trying to figure out what's going on. Looking at myself I see my responses are so stupid that I must be coming off as someone that is trying to shoo her away. Oh my god, it had turned into the bumbling mass of paranoia and confusion. Fortunately our talk came to an end. We both wish each other a happy weekend and she walks away.
Oh my fucking god! Now I'm trying to figure out if what just happened was real. I turn to look for Jen and I see her walking up. We get through the line at the register, put the groceries in the car and hop in to drive home. As Jen drives us home I bring up what had just happened. Jen said she was kinda having the same reaction and didn't want to jump in cause she didn't want to look like a jealous wife. Plus she said she wanted to see how I would handle it. SHE WANTED TO SEE HOW I WOULD HANDLE IT! Great, thanks, I'm freaking out and all she was doing was watching me panic.
It took some time to get my head back in order but I'm still confused about what happened. And the thing that makes it worse is that I will probably never know the truth about the situation. Unless I do know her and when I see her again I'll feel really embarrassed for not recognizing her right away.
I also regret forgetting the 5 second rule. I am reading a book called the 5 second rule and it talks about how to get things done and stop your brain from fucking things up. If I did it I'd be able to get my questions answered. Shit, another mystery added to the many I have floating around in my head. Just what I needed.